Zen

 

When is the time you last feel connected to the world?

# Foreword

Hesitated between posting another "random thought" series on instagram and posting this blog post. Well... the result / decision is obvious hahhahaa. And yes, I'm an expressive person hehehe with lots of good thoughts to share when I have any > so yepppp foreseeing this post to be a pretty long one.

Today, I really wanna share my gratitude towards the universe. And share the experience of achieving it effortlessly. But before diving deep into this, I really need to pat my own shoulder, and hug myself...and say "thank you for the endless effort" to change into a better me.

I'm still a learner in these universal laws thingy, I still suffer for certain things. But the difference is how I manage the emotions now, and how I carry myself dealing with them. I might be half baked in writing my opinions in this but I think it would still be good for me to still write this down to document my changes from year to year, or maybe even from month to month, if I'm hardworking enough hahahaha.

# Background

So here's some background to, how I used to be, or who I tend to be (because on and off, unconsciously I'll fall back to the same state, so I'll need to consciously remind myself to reset, and this post is certainly a great reminder that I can come back and have a read from time to time).

I suffer from slight depression last time... I believe. I always ask myself, if I should really go and visit a doctor, or someone with mental profession to fix myself. My brain never stop thinking. They just never. I can't....stop thinking of the worst to happen. I can't....bounce back from negative emotions. I constantly break down....even for the tiniest thing on earth. I can't control my emotions. I can't figure out how to love myself. And... I always think I pretended to be happy. Even when I'm happy... I can't stop thinking how it may eventually ended one day.. I always think, no one truly know me... I don't want to exist.... I consider about ending my life at some point. I hurt myself. I did all stupid things. I... just... don't love myself.

I could write a thousands. of. how bad my mental state was... Things got worse when I broke up last year. I got insomnia for week, I suffocated post medicine, I fall sick, it was one of the worst experiences in my life. I hated myself more cause he made me into thinking how bad as a person I was. I started surveying clinics to visit. 

# The Leaps

Until, my teacher aka friend approached me to go back to spiritual class. I know some of y'all will be skeptical to these kinda courses so I'm not gonna elaborate much on this, but I must say, everything taught in the class/course, aligned with all the spiritual related books that I read after. I do have a post related to this - happivilles if you'd wanna know more. But I'll just skip it now.

That's my first wake up call, I used to feel...at least better. at times. last few years. But I lost myself in the relationship. I took things for granted, I stop feeling things. I stop "connecting" to the world. and the people. I started to isolate myself. I started to drowned myself in negative emotions again. 

Thankfully, the world has not given up on me so I've received that text / signal to go back to class. And I started to pick up reading again after the class. I've shared some of it on IG stories sometimes. And it really helped me. For the longest time ever I have not wake up feeling so calm but I did most of the time now, with not much thoughts in my mind. My brain is much much much quieter now. Negative emotions can't stay for long now. It's a miracle. I can't explain how this happens but it happened.

# Universe

You might notice I sometimes say "wishes that I made have came true". I'm a free thinker, I've no faith in all these religion thingy and I used to suffer a lot, because not only I have no faith in religion, nor do I have faith in human, even my own family, or partner...last time.. I'm the only one to help myself back then, and my hands are the only tools I can rely on to work the shit out, where my brain is the only framework the ideas could possibly be generated. It's suffering.

But ever since, I learned how powerful universe is, it changed my life totally. More wishes came true. Things came by effortless. Out of my imagination...

What triggered me to write this post is... of course there's a lot of little evidence in life of how the universe have helped me with, but the recent one is about how something I thought of or planned to just happen effortlessly today. 

Here's the story, so here's this customer A that's using our product for one of their product line. I know there's another product line that has higher volume and with a more stable forecast, so I actually told my boss that I plan to one day expand this product to this higher volume product line. But I don't know how. So I kept it aside while putting effort in other stuff that I have better know-how. Somehow! The buyer of the company has approached us themselves to enquire about the product to be applied in THAT particular product line. That's not about all yet. And we proposed accordingly last few weeks. There's no feedback then. Just happen that I visited them today, and I asked my end user aka my friend whether if he knows this buyer or has his number for me to reach out and see if we could possibly say hi today. He said he doesn't know him nor has his contact number. I then said it's okay I'll try other way round and see how we can figure out later after Raya. Somehow! Just right before I leave the company at the entrance, this buyer walked past! We managed to say hi and I managed to ask how's the status of the enquiry and as of now it all seems positive to go through to proceed evaluation. 

I can't describe how magical this is to me. But I really wanna say. Universe does listen, as long as you tune in.

# Changes

What effort I made to be "deserving" to be "loved" by the universe until she started to "grant" my wish? Purely... be present... and letting go. I let go of my anxiety, my regret, and I'm trying to let go more like my emotions, my thoughts and a lot more. Stop worrying about the future and stop thinking about the past, be present. Exist. in the moment.

Why anxious about things that you can't change in the future? If it can be changed, then put effort. Why worry about things that you can't change in the past? What happened, happened, learn from the experience and do better.

Be brave. If that's what you need in changing things to make you feel better. Appreciate little things when you can't seem to discover the greatness in life. Take a baby step by starting doing the tiniest thing that could make you feel better. Just. Do. and prioritise your own happiness over others. Only when you love yourself enough, you will feel better connection with people around you. Say no, if that makes you feel better. Walk away, if that makes you feel at ease. Stay away from certain people, if it's better for your mental health. Just. Do. Everything that makes you feel better without putting harm on someone else. Love yourself. That shall always be your first priority. Think of yourself first. Like how air stewardess always say, put on your oxygen mask first, before you could help someone else.

It's a progress, as long as you see it as a progress. Things will get better, I have validated this many times. They said time is the cure for everything, but I think, your effort in wanting to change the situation is the only cure to everything.

Keep a good heart. Be kind. Love yourself. We'll reach somewhere. Someday.