Hey Jul.

To be at peace with the inner me.

Annual documentation I guess.

I'm finally ready to journal this down, with no mood swing, with intention to remind myself how everything is a work in progress, and to appreciate little things in life.

Felt sarcastic reading my previous post because eventually, my relationship took a quick down turn right after.

But good change I'll say.

Yet, never once I'll say it's all other's fault and never will I.

Be it it's mine or someone else's, I always opine: both contributed to failure of a relationship, or both shall contribute for a successful one.

Maybe I just felt tremendously disappointed of how it ended and how it was handled.

It gave me so many sleepless nights, so many nightmares, crushed my faith system, lost trust, negative confidence, cost me so many tears.

I woke up before alarm rings, so hard that I even had to get doctor to prescribe me sleeping pills.

And I finally collapsed after weeks of sleepless nights.

It was really hard but I'm so glad that I managed it. 

I still kept the journal I wrote going through it with the intention for my future-self to laugh at myself, and to remind me how everything is a work in progress, and eventually it will pass.

Reading it now really makes me feel funny and embarrased of what I wrote and did.

Well, good thing is, I learned so much from this.

Maybe I'm still not good enough in identifying red flags, but at least I learned how to love myself better, I learned how to navigate in relationship better in future, I learned how to be at peace with myself, I learned how to appreciate little thing in life, and many many more... (maybe also learned how to let go of something unworthy.) 

"I just lost someone who doesn't love me anymore, but he/she lost one who loved them whole heartedly." 

In a way I'm so thankful it's now than later since one will never change, it's only the matter of time.

And for the longest time ever, I stopped listening to the inner me, I stopped being presence at the present, I stopped feeling what I should be feeling, I became numb - even when I noticed there's so many little problems hid under the carpet, I stopped reacting. Because I'm lost... I lose myself....

"Oh it doesn't matter."

"Oh this is how everyone else did."

"Oh norm."

It was a wake up call. 

Being able to re-live life with consciousness feels amazing.

Maybe I'm still a hopeless romantic hahahaha well still gotta have faith right.

Because I'm still the old me, I still have the same 1 dream.

I wrote this back in 2019. I still hold the same thought now. Silly but. Yea.

Translation: The only dream I ever have is just to have a simple home.

A home I can call mine, not too small so I can feed some strays.

A blessed and harmony place where me, my other half and cute kids can call home.

Translation: I'm really not greedy and I don't even need big car and big house.

I just wanna have a cozy home, a home that fulfil all the imaginations of my inner child.

I wanna be able to provide my kids life I wanted to have.

Not necessarily very rich, but at least, I wanna be able to give them a worry-free life.

Silly. Yea. Hahaha.

But that's me.

I hope while I'm still a hopeless romantic, I don't lose myself again.

It was a good 5 years ish (at least before he/things turn ugly).

I'm always lucky and blessed to be pampered.

Be it in relationship wise or friendship.

So blessed to have my support system throughout the journey - my friends and family.

They were so supportive, although limiting my time to grieve cuz "nah he doesn't worth it" HAHAHAHA 

And tried everything they could to spark joy in my life.

They kept me accompanied, making sure I eat well, drink well, sleep well.

Put all the effort into bringing the smile back to my face.

Not putting any names here but y'all know it ❤️

Grateful to have every single one of you. Thank you. and..love y'all.

"When life gave me lemons, my support system made sure they turned'em into lemonades."

Ciaos. Back to life.